Day 9 - Monday - Zimbali

By now i had lost all track of even what day it was.. I had a 50 minute massage and a 60 min facial and i was off my face relaxed..

The 2 bedroom suite we had was incredible. The food was also amazing. We drove to a huge shopping complex called Gateway but i wasn't really feeling well so ended up sleeping in the car while Cameron & Nigel shopped away.. Not much else to report. Had an early night so i would feel better the next day

Day 8 – Monday – Durban

Today we had to get up early - how rude. Our early breakfast was waiting for us and the owner of Les Cascades took us personally in his X5 to Cape Town Airport. We really didn't want to leave this hotel.

So check in for SOuth African Airways domestic flight to Durban. mmm not to hot on this lounge.. bit dated. Still the staff were friendly and i got seriously cruised by a hottie the other side of the internet stations. Shame our flight was called really.

SAA flight was ok.. Cam & Nige had the front row and i had 2C.. can't say SAA business class food is anything to write home about but.. oh i just have.. :)

Urgh.. Durban is hotter.. and humid.. After collecting our hire-hairdryer (sorry but we couldn't call it a car. A Hyndia 4x4!!.. please.. my electric toothbrush had more power), we headed off up the N2 to Zimballi

What a place. This is a 5* resort in lush tropical jungle. It was obscenely expensive and by comparisson to les Cascades, offensively so, but then it is part of the same group that own the Savoy so what did we expect. The service was faultless though. Butlers, waiters, bell boys, porters galore..

Day 7 - Sunday - Les Cascades

Today was a lazy day.. we woke late, fell into the pool, sun bathed, ate, drank more champagne. Oh and as if it wasn't perfect enough, the hostess brought us out home made mini tiramisus to eat in the pool.

I like South Africa. There is no health & safety bullshit. We can have glass by the pool, hell glass IN the pool - even alcohol and food IN the pool. Its nice to feel like a grown up for a change instead of the nanny-state shit we have to put up with at home.

We went out for dinner (for a change - NOT) and this time it was an amazing seafront place which did everything from Sushi to fusion. Our waiter was gorgeous too... as all the men seem to be here.. sigh..

Day 6 - Saturday - Les Cascades

Today we say farewell to Neil & Marc for a few days. Lord knows they need a rest from us and are off to see family in Durban. We join them in a couple of days.

The three stooges head back to Cape Town and this time we are staying at a hotel i found through the "Mr & Mrs Smith" website. Its called Les Cascades de Bantry Bay and it turns out to be the highlight of our stay so far. We didn't know that to begin with and their was a small drama (on my part) when we checked in and they gave MY Penthouse to Cameron & Nigel.. I mean HOW RUDE.. however, I'll get my own back on them later for that :)

For now, this is paradise found. A stunning boutique hotel built into the cliffs with stunning views of Cape Town, champagne on tap, and a very cute duty manager called Willie who i will not be elaborating on in this blog ;-)

The panoramic view from the hotel

The not so panoramic view of 3 alcoholics in the infinity pool

Day 5 - Friday - Stellenbosch

So as well as being visually stunning, this place also hosts some of the best vineyards in the country. So what else to do that get a guide and start a tour of the wineries . This means drinking wine from 9am. I think we are meant to spit it out in that big thing in the centre of the table that is NOT an ashtray..oops

So by 1pm when were all guttered, its time for lunch. This is also delicious but buggered if i can remember what it was. I almost fell asleep in my desert i was so wasted..

Our ever lovely hosts Marc & Neil flanking our adorable tour guide for the day, Judy

Day 5 - Friday - Head to Stellenbosch

Today we all drove about an hour out of Cape Town to a wine region called Stellenbosch. It was stunning.. Think "best parts of the highlands but with HEAT" and you'd be half way there.

We checked into our hotel. A rather ...er.. lets use the word "quaint" local place. Neil & Marc got a sweet room which was all littered with petals (ahhhh weddings huh..). Cameron & Nigel got the "studio" and i, of course got the Penthouse. This time though, it has to be said, for the first time in living history i actually asked for a downgrade!!. Yes it may have been called the penthouse but it kinda creeped me out. It was massive. Took up the whole top floor of one wing, had a 50' terrace, bedroom, 2 bathrooms, an office, kitchen.... sounds good so far?... it also felt like it hadn't had a guest in there since the last one perhaps died in it?.. There were still spectacles on the shelf, post it notes on the table, and a mouldy croissant in the cupboard. The others advised me to say something so i did and was promptly moved to a lovely room in the main old house :)

Day 4 – Thu – Cameron & Nigel arrive

The first thing i am aware of is Cameron screetching into my room to wake me up. Yes ok so their flight got in at 7am... I don't do getting up till double figures.. How rude waking me up..

They don't appear to need any sleep so we head off for Table Mountain. No one has told Cameron we are taking a cable car up to the top and he's afraid of heights. Oh how his face turns green as we launch up the mountain with a sheer drop below us :-)

Yes that little wire is what held the car containing 50 people!!

The views from up here are breathtaking

and then there are some that are a bit more...well..... cheap? common?..
Cameron never expected the Paparazzi to follow him to South Africa

Day 3 - Waterfront Village & Boulder Beach

I slept so well last night. Today we headed off to Boulder Beach. Very aptly named as it is made up of enormous boulders. Looks like the set of a Flintstones movie. Here there are lots of penguins who have made this beach their home. They are so cute. I have way too many photos to post on here, May need to do a flickr link or something..

Day 2 - Waterfront Village

Well the 9 hour flight wasn't so bad. It was an older 777 which had the Frazier's dad type chairs but it was comfortable enough and at least i didn't crash the audio visual system this time. It taken me a week to get my ass round to writing this so i have forgotten what the food was like but I've kept the menu just so Lisa can go through it all going "eww..eww..yuk...eww.." I also remember the stewardess dropping a hot espresso over the grumpy old git next to me, then as Karma would have it, i spilled my own Cappuccino down me.. serves me right i suppose.

I landed in Cape Town and a nice man in a red waistcoat was waiting to whisk me away in a Merc to the Waterfront Village (You gotta love Emirates). Checked in, met Neil & Marc, got to our apartment, burned my clothes, shower and ready to hit the waterfront restaurants.

Loving Cape Town. Great temperature, cute locals, and sooo cheap.

Day 1 - Departure

Well now, the day has finally come round and it's off to South Africa

I didn't sleep well last night and not from excitement or nerves as usual before a holiday. No this time it was purely my cold and blocked nose that kept me awake till past 1:30am having gone to bed at 10pm!.. Anyway I woke feeling not too bad. Got ready and "Tony" rang to say my car was waiting outside.. Apparently it was a Volvo Estate.. Oh dear.. hardly a Lincoln Towncar is it?.. But actually when I got down there it was a brand new fully loaded model and very nice inside.. I got in the back which is most unusual for me. I felt suitably "chauffeured" all the way to Terminal 3. What a joy. How the hell anyone would schlep all the way there on the tube is beyond me.

So I arrive at T3, walk straight to the Business check-in.. there is someone in front of me so I'm gestured towards First Class check in.. that's more like it!.. Sadly no cigar though.. First is full so no upgrade. I walk about 47 miles to the Emirates lounge and its lovely.. Empty.. fully loaded with everything from smoked Salmon, to Veuve Cliquot.. I have a parsnip soup, with olive bread, a raspberry smoothie and sit down thinking of Lisa at work who would be already going "I can't eat any of this crap".. J

A Singapore A380 rushes past and takes off before I can get my camera ready.. it was amazing.. so big.. We are called to board and its through a private air bridge straight into the First Class cabin.. Nice!.. not so nice to walk all the way through it though and into Business but hey ho. I am surprised at how big the Business cabin is. The seats are spaced SO far apart, you would have to be 7'8 to even touch the seat in front.

The TV screen is about 20" wide. First glass of champagne down while economy is boarding. Change into my trackies as there is no sleeper suit on Business.. I am also soon to learn NO AMENITY KIT on day flights.. what a fuckin liberty.. I expect an amenity kit in Economy, let alone Business.. NOT impressed. I feel a letter coming on . We are given socks and eye shades (big deal) and have a nice take-off. I managed to jam and break my ICE video system within 10 minutes and it has to be shut down and rebooted.. Oops.. I am also sitting next to a Beverley Leslie lookalike from Will & Grace who has all the sexual allure of an airlines salad and doesn't speak to me the entire flight..

The lunch service is gorgeous. I have smoked fish to start (mmm Lisa!!) and then Lamb, and then cheese & port... and then fruit.. so much for the diet. I watch that new film with Ricky Gervais. Its mildly amusing. Then watch "Get Smart" which is also quite funny.. Then it's time for more food... sandwiches, pastries, cappuccino. I then manage to break the ICE system half way through sending a text to Paul.. I give up.. We land..

Dubai Int airport has a new terminal which has just opened. Its chaos. If anyone every says a bad word about BA's T5 again I will personally slug them in the face. I find the Business Class lounge and its packed. Everyone is sleeping and using between 2 & 4 chairs each to achieve this.. Selfish cunts. I go and try and blag an upgrade but they want $1350.. no way.. not for 1 leg even if it is 9 hours. I then find the spa and have a 60 min facial and a 45 mins reflexology treatment back to back.. I am now sitting writing this, spaced out of my tits. Its 6:15am now here (2:15am) in the UK and I am starting to flag. I think this next flight will be a sleeper